Help.

I have not posted anything in a while. It is beacuse I do not have the luxury of time to finish any blog. Some of them are still on the top of my head while some were already blown away by the wind. Yes, I have not been too lucky with time but I guess I am not alone. Compared to some, I am still lucky. I am indeed very lucky for I know I will still have tomorrow not unless..well, health-wise I know I can still survive a decade. lols. Kidding aside… well, someone I know, someone very dear to a friend is not so lucky with time…with health. She is not living life the way a 3-year old should – playing around, learning things, celebrating life. She is just kid. Her life is just starting and she is already fighting for it. She is strong. With the help of her parents and the people around her…she is surviving. But that is not enough. She needs to win her battle and she needs our help. Please take a minute to meet her. Help her win her battle.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-quinn-beat-leukemia/227636

Thank you.

The One Thing Christians Should Stop Saying

I just can’t help but re-post this blog.

The Accidental Missionary

*Writers note:  After reading your comments, I have been moved to revise the following piece.  In a post where the main point is to encourage others to be aware of how our choice of words can get in the way of conveying our true intent, I realize the irony that my choosing to refer to my lack of understanding of God’s purpose as “dumb luck” caused some folks to miss the meaning of the post itself.  Silly me.  While people may still disagree, I think this slightly revised version better captures my honest intent.

I was on the phone with a good friend the other day.  After covering important topics, like disparaging each other’s mothers and retelling semi-factual tales from our college days, our conversation turned to the mundane.

“So, how’s work going?” he asked.

For those of you who don’t know, I make money by teaching leadership skills and…

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REM – Losing My Religion

Classic. Who has not heard of this song? If you have not heard of this song yet, go and watch the video clipped with this blog. Now why am I posting this song? I am not making a review or anything, it just so happen that it is one of the songs that is making me rape the replay button on my player.

I am not a religious person or anything. I am not a devotee of any curved sculpture, I do not kneel before any man, and I do not pray over some pictures of any holy man from an unknown source. I pray. I do, I read the bible but that does not make me religious, or anywhere near holiness. To be honest, I never thought that religion would play a big role in my life. I am a freelancer for the longest time. Freelancer? What in the world does that mean? I do not know how to call myself so I just use the term freelancer. Just like how a writer is when he works for multiple clients. I am a freelancer: I am baptized in one religion, I attended another, attended bible study, attempted to convert to another religion, stopped, and is now attending celebration of another known religion. Now what in the world are you doing? Are you trying to study all religions known to man? Hell no! I am just trying to find my place. We all worship the same LORD, the same GOD (No offense ALLAH) the only differences I see are: the way we pray, worship, celebrate and some beliefs. Some believe that they have the blessed “flying house” that would surely save the souls of all who belong to thine church, some believe that ones you find in yourself to finally accept the there is one ultimate super hero, I mean savior, then you will be saved. Saved from eternal repose and burning hell. On the other hand, there are some who believe that if you are so lucky to understand the teachings of the bible and be able to apply it, somehow, in your life, then you have a chance to win a ticket to heaven.

Now, what do I say about all these beliefs? I respect all religions, please don not get me wrong. Our beliefs is dictated by our religion; well majority of it I guess. How about you Devs, you left your birth-religion and until now, you are still searching for what you think is “right”. No, I am not searching for the “true” religion. I do not think there is even such religion. Just kidding, I just do not want to be bias here. Kidding aside. I have no idea about religion’s righteousness. I just want to pray and praise my maker. I do not need to be obliged for I know my obligation to HIM…and that is what i am searching for. Confusing. Blurry. I know no one will understand, so just let me be.

Maybe all I am saying is let us all learn to respect other’s beliefs, respect other religions and respect ones choice where he wants to belong. Respect, it is not so hard.

Someday i will…

I know i’ve been posting a lot of shitty stuff here like LOVE, HAPPINESS, RELATIONSHIP and SHIT. Forgive me if I bore you or make you puke your heart out. It was not my intention.I was just trying to write about my emotions and shit. I know in the future I will regret everything I have written here. Well, if not all.. surely MOST. Why?i dont know. I just know I will. I know someday I will just laugh at everything I said here. Almost all my blogs talk about love, relationship and happiness and none of it is real. Well, is it? I raelly cant tell. It is so hard to tell. One minute you’re happy, the next you’re crying your heart out and cursing the entire human race for creating bitches and assholes. That’s life and life is a bitch! You just have to learn to deal with it. Enjoy!

My Ass Man

Ok, let’s take the cat out of the bag. “Devs, who is that guy your with on your facebook cover photo?” “Who is he Devs? Why do I always see you guys together?” Those are just some of the most frequently asked questions I get everyday. Yes, same questions, different wordings, different people everyday. I don’t know and I don’t understand what is so controversial about it. Other people do it, use their couples picture as their facebook cover photo or primary picture. Who cares?! It’s just a picture for God’s sake! Let it be! But anyways, this blog is not about my facebook page it’s about the man (yes, he is a MAN) I’m with in the photos. Maybe it’s about time to answer some questions. I mean serious answers (LOL). The man in the photos is the man I call #HAPPINESS. I posted our photos in my last blog. We’ve been together for almost 3 years. Yes, he is my boyfirend. He’s actually more than just that. He is my bestfriend, my worst enemy, my worst critic, my biggest fan, my baby, my nurse, my everything. “Are you guys have any plans of getting married?” The answer is amassive YES! We’ve talked about it, infact, we always talk about it and we are slowly slowly working on it. Our situation is very complicatdd. We have issues about family and religion, so yes,we can’t just walk inside the chapel and get married. So many things need to be straightened out before I can walk down the isle and be married to the man I love. You are so hopefull Devs, what made you so sure that he will marry you? He said he will but what makes you so sure thag he will? Why do you trust his words so much?well, lime what I have said earlier, we have been together for more than 2 years and in that 2 years, I have learned to trust his words. I may not trust him but I trust his words. He is not always telling the truth, but if you know him like I do, you will know when he is lying and when he is not. You will know if he is just trying to comfort you with his words and when he is being sincere about everything. Noms is Noms. Nothing more, nothing less. He is far from society’sidea or Mr.Right / boyfriend material / father material / ideal man / batman /superman / spiderman / whatever man! Honestly, I don’t think his profile fits any of those idea of a perfect guy, it is just so…idealistic. My Noms is the kind of guy most girls would despise when it comes to matters of the heart or emotions. I’m telling you, talking to him about emotions is like talking to the wall. No use! But why do I love thee? I love him because he is realistic. He is mean, insensitive about my emotions and overly sensitive about his. But, come to think of it, aren’t we all insensitive about other people’s emotions and overly sensitive about ours?  Whatever, all I know is that my boyfriend is an ass and I love him inspite of him being a massive pain in the butt! Change topic shall we.

Next page.

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

Now who does not know this famous wedding vow?

This my love is my vow to thee. So everytime you would wonder why I am still here after everything that has happened,why I stayed. Try to remember this, try to remember our prayer and the vow we made on our very first devotional prayer. Try to remember so you will learn to u derstand my reasons andso that you will be reminded why you should be with me, why you should stay with me.

Now that was cheesy. Next page!

If you decide to keep someone whose main goal in your relationship is to please you, satisfy all your egoistic needs and earthly desires is plain selfish and stupid. If I am to choose between my Happiness and Mr.Perfect, i would gladly choose my happiness. Why? Well, i am not asking for a perfect guy, if my partner is perfect then he will just make me miss not-so-perfect (LOL). I’d rather have an ass man who keeps me grounded, it’s a personal choice. All the shit I have been through with my man made/makes me appreciate life and all it’s hoolabaloos. i just hope it’sthe same thing for him.

Babe, do you love me more now?  

haha, i got cheese all over the place! Sorry. Enough of this cheesyness. All that cheese sticks for breakfast made me go so cheesy today. Cheese, sorry. LOL.

Sudden death. I tore the pages. No proper ending. Some parts missing. Forgive me. I love you.

WE have no ending.

Happiness

I’ve been writing a lot about my “happiness” and I think it is just but right for me to introduce “him” to all of you readers of my blog. So here it is.. meet my happiness

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

I LOVE YOU BIGTIME. Need I say more?

Just saying

trying to write again. yes, it has been a month since my last blog. reason? i was just busy nursing my emotions. why? what happened to you Devs? well, you see there is this guy whom i call “happiness”. i call him happiness because he makes me happy bigtime! anyway, yeah, we had a few struggles in keeping the relationship alive. i thought we were strong. i thought nothing can break us apart. i was wrong. distance made us weak. i worked onblard and that made us grow apart. yes, we got used to being apart that being together, finally, made us feel awkward about each other. what happened? we donot know too. we just felt different. it was like we do not know each other anymore. we changed and we were nothing like how we uaed to be before i left and decided to work onboard. yes, it all started with that one big move. i am still thinking whether my decision to work onboard was a wrong or right move. it has its pros and cons so i really cannot tell. but anyway,i came back. i came back to him as promised. but i did not come nack to him just because i wantef yo keep my promise. i came back to him because i love him. really, i do. bigtime! i do not understand why i do but i do. enough of the cheesy-ness. what am i trying to say here? well, because we were so awkward, we decided to spend time apart. we decided to take things easy. we decided to start from scratch again — get to know each other again. and so we did. it was not easy. it was sad and depressing. for a while i thought i already lost him. no more happiness. i even tried to move on. but i failed. i had no idea how to move on so i stayed. i decided to give it a chance. good thing i did. with patience and continuous prayer, things started working out. after afew days, weeks, we are okay again and i think this time we are better than how we were before. i do not expect people to understand us and our relationship but i expect people to at least respect us and what we have. please, just let us be happy.

Q and A: why?

“Why do you continuously fight for the thing that is making you sad?”

“It is simple. i continuously fight because that thing that is making me sad is the same thing that is making me happy. it is the same thing that drives me crazy and keeps me sane. it is the same thing that makes me appreciate life and all its ups and downs. it is the same thing that makes me trust the words of the person i do not trust at all. it is the only thing that constantly reminds me that in life you do not always get what you want, that life is all about taking chances and each chance you take will change your life forever. i am not fighting for something i want. i am fighting for something i know i deserve — HAPPINESS.”

To Happiness

This is a very late post. I stumble upon this draft while cleaning up my files.This draft was written on my birthday — April 21st.

Happy reading. Cheers!

**********

I said I will never write anything about love and/or relationship as I always end up writing about my life and ranting about how things do not work out the way I want them to be. All my attempts end up as a collection of derailed thoughts of everything-random-that-pops-in-my-head-while-sitting-in-front-of-the-computer-thinking-about-me,-myself-and-i-and-everyone-who-tries-to-get-invloved-with-my-personas. Today I will add another entry to my collection of derailed thoughts about love and relationship.    

It is my birthday today, April 21st, and I am working here in Hong Kong while my entire family is in the Philippines. No birthday off. No message / call from bf. No nothing. Definitely not a happy day for me so expect that this blog will be full of drama and rants.  

Here goes nothing..  

What is “Love”?  Merriam and Oxford said that love is a four letter word, an adjective used to describe unexplainable acts of out of the ordinary sweetness. I add, a word teens tell their crushes and a feeling blamed for stupid choices and decisions in life. But, what is it really? Using the definition given by many I thought i finally figured it out. I thought, finally, I am one of those who understand the concept of “love” in its romantic sense. I was wrong. I have not figured it out. It still amazes me how one can care about somebody too much. How one can care about the welfare of somebody else more than his own. The amount of sacrifice one makes for someone else’s happiness. Just like a line from a song “seems like I love you more than I love myself”… Cheesy but we all know that this is more than just a figure of speech. I have seen a film where a guy gave up his sight so his girlfriend can see the beauty of the world. He wants to share his happiness by letting the girl see the world for herself. Sweet! Now who would be so kind to donate me heart so I can feel the love which the whole world is so gaga about? Kidding aside, that act is so…. _______ (I will leave it blank for I cannot find a word that would justify the act.  Feel free to fill in the blank).    

Now what is my idea of love and relationship? Well, if I ask a guy “why do you love me?” and the guy answers with “I love you because you are pretty”, my next question will be, “so what happens if I grow old and ugly with saggy cheeks and lumpy tummy?”. If the guy chokes, it means he is not a keeper. I do not go for wealthy pockets and gorgeous looks. I go for the brainy ones. I love sensible creatures! Some guys are all IQ and no EQ while some are all EQ and no IQ. So rare that you will find someone with an average IQ and EQ.  A guy with high IQ can help you find the value of a, b, c, d, x, y and z in a mathematical equation but cannot help you overcome a heartbreak.  (by the way, Have you seen Big Bang Theory? If not, I suggest you see at least one episode. Don’t ask why, just watch it!). All IQ no EQ — that is not the “smart” I am looking for. I want someone with both IQ and EQ.  Ambitious as it may sound, it is possible to find someone with such capacity. I found one. Well, I thought I did.  

No one is perfect. I do not blame him. Failing to meet my expectations is the least of his problems. We can never ask people to be what we want them to be, we can only appreciate them for what and who they are. Asking him to wear shoes that don’t fit only makes him uncomfortable and I frustrated.  We’ve been together for almost two years and 40% of it was spent apart. Until this moment I am still deciphering if I made the right choice. If it is worth it; leaving my son and my future husband behind for the sake of earning money and trying out a new career.  This choice puts my relationship at stake and jeopardizes the family we are trying to build. My decision to leave drastically changed so many things about us. We have grown apart. I guess it is because of too much sadness. Every day we have to find a way to entertain ourselves to go through the day without sulking and we got used to it. We got used to being apart, not talking, not thinking about each other. We coped by forgetting the things that once made us happy. We escaped reality.    

Now I am wondering what’s waiting for me back home. He’s not talking to me now but I know he will be there when I get back. I know he will come back to me. How did I know? Well, I just know.      

P.S.  

You, yes you. I love you so much and you walking away from me just like that because you are sad is so depressing. Please know that you are not the only one hurting. Given the situation, I think it is fair to say that my situation is far worse than yours. I am the one away from everyone. I have no one to comfort me when I am sad, unlike you; you have your family with you. I do not understand why you have to draw yourself away from everyone and sulk. You have forgotten about me. You have forgotten about us and our vow. You are all about yourself. You are selfish. I am so over being sad, I am now depressed! You have no idea how much pain you are putting me through. How can you say you love me and hurt me at the same time? If you love me and you are committed to our vow, you will hang on, you will stay strong. You gave up on me.  You WERE my happiness. Now, you have become the sole reason why I cannot even fake a smile. I  am not bitter and I do not hate you. I hate your weakness. After all these emotional tortures you’re putting me through, I still love you and I am still hoping that we could fulfill our vow. I want my HAPPINESS back. We were happy then. You lost faith. You got sidetracked. I want to know, can you still make it back?

Sober thoughts.

“The more you hate the more you love” — cliche. Who has not heard of this? No one. I never believed this. For me it is jut a lame excuse to make someone stop ranting about someone they hate. It is like giving a promise you do not intend to keep just to shut someone up. Now what am i trying to get at? Let me share a story.

Once upon a rough sea. (LOL)

*serious now*

Ehem..

There’s this guy whom I met from way back. Not really waaaaay back. I met him last year during my job application. First impression was not good at all. He’s like the noisiest student in a classroom. The kind of student who keeps on roaming around the class checking on everyone and bullying the weakest. I thought of him as “Mr. No Good”. He has this talent of annoying me by just talking. There’s something about him that is sooo nerve-racking — arrogance.

Fast forward.

We got hired for the job we applied for.

News flash: Training is in-house and trainees are required to stay in a dorm during the entire training period.

I think he has something about first day, first impression and all the first there is. First day, he was already making a name for himself. He was loud, always talking, always laughing, always making fun of someone, always making nonsense comments, always thinking out loud and always ticking me off. I’m not trying to be mean or anything but with the way he speaks, I can tell that he is intellectually challenged. Hold your horses, this is still part of my first impression of him.

Skip.

They say that life has a funny way of fcuking things up just when you think everything is going perfectly well. I agree. We became groupmates. What are the odds. I had no choice, I had to talk to him. Get to know him a bit at least. By the end of the first week, I was already, somehow, comfortable with him. I had a thought on why he acts and speaks the way he does — he’s still a kid, he is naive. As days went by, i got to know him more. I saw sides of him I never thought he had. He can make sense. He is a good friend, really good. Dependable. Plus, he’s very funny. He can always throw a joke and make us all laugh no matter what the situation is. Class clown.

Skip.

I got close to him. I got too comfortable. I have learned to like and love him as a friend. I was sad when the training ended. I have always hated goodbyes. Separation anxiety. Will our paths cross again? I told him I will miss him and that I hope to see him again. He gave me hug. Comforting.

Fast forward.

Who would have thought our paths would cross again so soon? In less than a year, we met again. I was pleased to see him happy to see me again. Life life life, You and your tricks! We’re still okay but I think months apart changed us. He didn’t change much, he is still the class clown I know.

Skip.

I don’t know what happened, but I’m hating him again. Maybe it’s my fault. I never told him off until it’s too late. I tolerated his impudence. His ears are now deaf to my cries. Either he doesn’t know how much I’m hurting or he simply just don’t care. Who am I anyway? Still, I hope he would learn to be considerate of my emotions, at least as a person if he can’t do it as a friend. I hate him so much at times but I still can’t ignore him. I still buy his lame jokes. I still can’t say no to him. I still care.

Dear Mr. No Good,

I miss you, the old you. The you I met from way back. The you who was considerate of others, the one who cares about his friends. The you who listens. The you who was not all shiz. I miss the you who knows of respect. I miss your innocent jokes. I miss you bloopers. You used to be able to make a crowd laugh without offending anyone. Now, spending time with you is like playing basketball ; you play the offense and I play the defense.

There are times that I want to talk to you so bad to tell you how I feel. Tell you how much I hate you for making me hate you with the things you do. If only I know how. If only I have the courage. If only it will make sense you.

There are times that I want to talk to you because I know you are the only one who would understand. You’re the only one I know who will let me finish my stories and rants before hitting me in the head for being stupid. You’re the only one I know who will not summarize my individuality with a single fault. I know you will not define me by my flaw. You are not as narrow-minded like most people I know.

I have a question for you. Do you even see me as a friend? If you do, I want to feel your friendship. I wil be pleased .

Skip.

Last night I almost got myself in trouble, my mind was sober but fermented mash has made my body tad bit weak. I wanted you to drag me out of there but I don’t know how to tell you. If you must know, I was afraid and you leaving me there was depressing. I was almost helpless. I came up to you and begged you to walk me home. I was happy to hear you finally say yes. Do I really have to beg all the time?

I will be honest, I envy the ones you respect, the ones you call “friends”, the ones you care about, the ones you miss, the ones you love being around with. I envy the people you love, the ones you consider important. I want to make sense in your life too. It is not like I am asking you to marry me. I am just simply asking you to …..

I don’t have to explain myself further. You already know this. I have told you this before. Try to remember.

Before I end this, please let me say SORRY. Sorry about last night. My apologies. Also, THANK YOU.