My Ass Man

Ok, let’s take the cat out of the bag. “Devs, who is that guy your with on your facebook cover photo?” “Who is he Devs? Why do I always see you guys together?” Those are just some of the most frequently asked questions I get everyday. Yes, same questions, different wordings, different people everyday. I don’t know and I don’t understand what is so controversial about it. Other people do it, use their couples picture as their facebook cover photo or primary picture. Who cares?! It’s just a picture for God’s sake! Let it be! But anyways, this blog is not about my facebook page it’s about the man (yes, he is a MAN) I’m with in the photos. Maybe it’s about time to answer some questions. I mean serious answers (LOL). The man in the photos is the man I call #HAPPINESS. I posted our photos in my last blog. We’ve been together for almost 3 years. Yes, he is my boyfirend. He’s actually more than just that. He is my bestfriend, my worst enemy, my worst critic, my biggest fan, my baby, my nurse, my everything. “Are you guys have any plans of getting married?” The answer is amassive YES! We’ve talked about it, infact, we always talk about it and we are slowly slowly working on it. Our situation is very complicatdd. We have issues about family and religion, so yes,we can’t just walk inside the chapel and get married. So many things need to be straightened out before I can walk down the isle and be married to the man I love. You are so hopefull Devs, what made you so sure that he will marry you? He said he will but what makes you so sure thag he will? Why do you trust his words so much?well, lime what I have said earlier, we have been together for more than 2 years and in that 2 years, I have learned to trust his words. I may not trust him but I trust his words. He is not always telling the truth, but if you know him like I do, you will know when he is lying and when he is not. You will know if he is just trying to comfort you with his words and when he is being sincere about everything. Noms is Noms. Nothing more, nothing less. He is far from society’sidea or Mr.Right / boyfriend material / father material / ideal man / batman /superman / spiderman / whatever man! Honestly, I don’t think his profile fits any of those idea of a perfect guy, it is just so…idealistic. My Noms is the kind of guy most girls would despise when it comes to matters of the heart or emotions. I’m telling you, talking to him about emotions is like talking to the wall. No use! But why do I love thee? I love him because he is realistic. He is mean, insensitive about my emotions and overly sensitive about his. But, come to think of it, aren’t we all insensitive about other people’s emotions and overly sensitive about ours?  Whatever, all I know is that my boyfriend is an ass and I love him inspite of him being a massive pain in the butt! Change topic shall we.

Next page.

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

Now who does not know this famous wedding vow?

This my love is my vow to thee. So everytime you would wonder why I am still here after everything that has happened,why I stayed. Try to remember this, try to remember our prayer and the vow we made on our very first devotional prayer. Try to remember so you will learn to u derstand my reasons andso that you will be reminded why you should be with me, why you should stay with me.

Now that was cheesy. Next page!

If you decide to keep someone whose main goal in your relationship is to please you, satisfy all your egoistic needs and earthly desires is plain selfish and stupid. If I am to choose between my Happiness and Mr.Perfect, i would gladly choose my happiness. Why? Well, i am not asking for a perfect guy, if my partner is perfect then he will just make me miss not-so-perfect (LOL). I’d rather have an ass man who keeps me grounded, it’s a personal choice. All the shit I have been through with my man made/makes me appreciate life and all it’s hoolabaloos. i just hope it’sthe same thing for him.

Babe, do you love me more now?  

haha, i got cheese all over the place! Sorry. Enough of this cheesyness. All that cheese sticks for breakfast made me go so cheesy today. Cheese, sorry. LOL.

Sudden death. I tore the pages. No proper ending. Some parts missing. Forgive me. I love you.

WE have no ending.

Happiness

I’ve been writing a lot about my “happiness” and I think it is just but right for me to introduce “him” to all of you readers of my blog. So here it is.. meet my happiness

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.”

I LOVE YOU BIGTIME. Need I say more?

Just saying

trying to write again. yes, it has been a month since my last blog. reason? i was just busy nursing my emotions. why? what happened to you Devs? well, you see there is this guy whom i call “happiness”. i call him happiness because he makes me happy bigtime! anyway, yeah, we had a few struggles in keeping the relationship alive. i thought we were strong. i thought nothing can break us apart. i was wrong. distance made us weak. i worked onblard and that made us grow apart. yes, we got used to being apart that being together, finally, made us feel awkward about each other. what happened? we donot know too. we just felt different. it was like we do not know each other anymore. we changed and we were nothing like how we uaed to be before i left and decided to work onboard. yes, it all started with that one big move. i am still thinking whether my decision to work onboard was a wrong or right move. it has its pros and cons so i really cannot tell. but anyway,i came back. i came back to him as promised. but i did not come nack to him just because i wantef yo keep my promise. i came back to him because i love him. really, i do. bigtime! i do not understand why i do but i do. enough of the cheesy-ness. what am i trying to say here? well, because we were so awkward, we decided to spend time apart. we decided to take things easy. we decided to start from scratch again — get to know each other again. and so we did. it was not easy. it was sad and depressing. for a while i thought i already lost him. no more happiness. i even tried to move on. but i failed. i had no idea how to move on so i stayed. i decided to give it a chance. good thing i did. with patience and continuous prayer, things started working out. after afew days, weeks, we are okay again and i think this time we are better than how we were before. i do not expect people to understand us and our relationship but i expect people to at least respect us and what we have. please, just let us be happy.

Q and A: why?

“Why do you continuously fight for the thing that is making you sad?”

“It is simple. i continuously fight because that thing that is making me sad is the same thing that is making me happy. it is the same thing that drives me crazy and keeps me sane. it is the same thing that makes me appreciate life and all its ups and downs. it is the same thing that makes me trust the words of the person i do not trust at all. it is the only thing that constantly reminds me that in life you do not always get what you want, that life is all about taking chances and each chance you take will change your life forever. i am not fighting for something i want. i am fighting for something i know i deserve — HAPPINESS.”

To Happiness

This is a very late post. I stumble upon this draft while cleaning up my files.This draft was written on my birthday — April 21st.

Happy reading. Cheers!

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I said I will never write anything about love and/or relationship as I always end up writing about my life and ranting about how things do not work out the way I want them to be. All my attempts end up as a collection of derailed thoughts of everything-random-that-pops-in-my-head-while-sitting-in-front-of-the-computer-thinking-about-me,-myself-and-i-and-everyone-who-tries-to-get-invloved-with-my-personas. Today I will add another entry to my collection of derailed thoughts about love and relationship.    

It is my birthday today, April 21st, and I am working here in Hong Kong while my entire family is in the Philippines. No birthday off. No message / call from bf. No nothing. Definitely not a happy day for me so expect that this blog will be full of drama and rants.  

Here goes nothing..  

What is “Love”?  Merriam and Oxford said that love is a four letter word, an adjective used to describe unexplainable acts of out of the ordinary sweetness. I add, a word teens tell their crushes and a feeling blamed for stupid choices and decisions in life. But, what is it really? Using the definition given by many I thought i finally figured it out. I thought, finally, I am one of those who understand the concept of “love” in its romantic sense. I was wrong. I have not figured it out. It still amazes me how one can care about somebody too much. How one can care about the welfare of somebody else more than his own. The amount of sacrifice one makes for someone else’s happiness. Just like a line from a song “seems like I love you more than I love myself”… Cheesy but we all know that this is more than just a figure of speech. I have seen a film where a guy gave up his sight so his girlfriend can see the beauty of the world. He wants to share his happiness by letting the girl see the world for herself. Sweet! Now who would be so kind to donate me heart so I can feel the love which the whole world is so gaga about? Kidding aside, that act is so…. _______ (I will leave it blank for I cannot find a word that would justify the act.  Feel free to fill in the blank).    

Now what is my idea of love and relationship? Well, if I ask a guy “why do you love me?” and the guy answers with “I love you because you are pretty”, my next question will be, “so what happens if I grow old and ugly with saggy cheeks and lumpy tummy?”. If the guy chokes, it means he is not a keeper. I do not go for wealthy pockets and gorgeous looks. I go for the brainy ones. I love sensible creatures! Some guys are all IQ and no EQ while some are all EQ and no IQ. So rare that you will find someone with an average IQ and EQ.  A guy with high IQ can help you find the value of a, b, c, d, x, y and z in a mathematical equation but cannot help you overcome a heartbreak.  (by the way, Have you seen Big Bang Theory? If not, I suggest you see at least one episode. Don’t ask why, just watch it!). All IQ no EQ — that is not the “smart” I am looking for. I want someone with both IQ and EQ.  Ambitious as it may sound, it is possible to find someone with such capacity. I found one. Well, I thought I did.  

No one is perfect. I do not blame him. Failing to meet my expectations is the least of his problems. We can never ask people to be what we want them to be, we can only appreciate them for what and who they are. Asking him to wear shoes that don’t fit only makes him uncomfortable and I frustrated.  We’ve been together for almost two years and 40% of it was spent apart. Until this moment I am still deciphering if I made the right choice. If it is worth it; leaving my son and my future husband behind for the sake of earning money and trying out a new career.  This choice puts my relationship at stake and jeopardizes the family we are trying to build. My decision to leave drastically changed so many things about us. We have grown apart. I guess it is because of too much sadness. Every day we have to find a way to entertain ourselves to go through the day without sulking and we got used to it. We got used to being apart, not talking, not thinking about each other. We coped by forgetting the things that once made us happy. We escaped reality.    

Now I am wondering what’s waiting for me back home. He’s not talking to me now but I know he will be there when I get back. I know he will come back to me. How did I know? Well, I just know.      

P.S.  

You, yes you. I love you so much and you walking away from me just like that because you are sad is so depressing. Please know that you are not the only one hurting. Given the situation, I think it is fair to say that my situation is far worse than yours. I am the one away from everyone. I have no one to comfort me when I am sad, unlike you; you have your family with you. I do not understand why you have to draw yourself away from everyone and sulk. You have forgotten about me. You have forgotten about us and our vow. You are all about yourself. You are selfish. I am so over being sad, I am now depressed! You have no idea how much pain you are putting me through. How can you say you love me and hurt me at the same time? If you love me and you are committed to our vow, you will hang on, you will stay strong. You gave up on me.  You WERE my happiness. Now, you have become the sole reason why I cannot even fake a smile. I  am not bitter and I do not hate you. I hate your weakness. After all these emotional tortures you’re putting me through, I still love you and I am still hoping that we could fulfill our vow. I want my HAPPINESS back. We were happy then. You lost faith. You got sidetracked. I want to know, can you still make it back?

Still Blessed

Last night as I was about to go to sleep, I stumble upon a book given by a friend, “Daily Bible Reflections for Catholics”. I have a bible under my pillow which I occasionally use to hit my head with but last night, I decided to try and read the Daily Bible Reflections. I opened the book and end up with a page that reads:

STILL BLESSED
“Blessed are you who are now weeping, for you will laugh.” – Luke 6:21

Blessed. Such a wonderful word!
But to someone who is totally damaged because of a miserable experience, this word has no place in the heart.
Iza, a friend of mine, was in the very situation sometime ago. When her fiancé left her for another girl, she was devastated. She knew she could no longer have him back. She withdrew from everyone and even attempted to end her life.
But there was one thing that Iza did that made a big difference. She prayed. She cried and offered up the pain of her heart and shouted her fears to GOD. She did not understand then why God allowed it to happen but she still clung to Him. Several months of grief, anguish and fear passed but still she held on to HIM.
And after weeping over shattered dreams, GOD showed her the light at the end of the tunnel. The family and friends that she was ready to give up were the people who helped her heal her broken heart. Iza just lost one guy but not the entire world — not her family, not her friends, not her future, not a new life. Still, she is blessed

Reflection: Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness. (Steve Maraboll)

This is very timely. Reading this made me realize so many things. Last night, I managed to somehow smile knowing I am still blessed.

Rose Petals

I will let the petals of a rose decide on our fate —
he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me …

It was a perfect afternoon.  The sun was about to set and the moon was on its way to light the night sky.  The sea was so peaceful and all I can hear was the soft gushing of the waves. We were walking by the beach. He held my hand. We walked in silence. We stopped. We looked back and saw that our footprints have been washed away by the waves. There was no trace of where we started.  Silence. Deafening silence was all I can hear.  Something was missing.

What happened to the heartbeats?

Why did they stop?

When did they stop?

I placed my hand on his chest.  Nothing.  I looked into his eyes.  Dead. I closed my eyes. Warm tears kissed my cheeks. I opened my eyes and I was alone.

“Where are you?”

In my hand was a red rose. I called out for him. Nothing.  I walked back to the cottage alone leaving my footprints on the sand.

“Please follow my prints. Come home to me. I will be waiting.”

The night has turned to morning and I was still alone.  I walked back to the shore. The sea was still asleep.  With the stem of the rose, I wrote him a letter on the sand.

“My love, I left my footprints where you last held my hand. Follow them for they will lead you back to me.  I will be waiting.  The waves will surely erase my prints, but I will make sure to make new ones everyday so you will not get lost.  Come home to me.”

I sat on the sand. Waiting.

“Will you ever come back home to me?”

I let the the petals of the rose decide on our fate — he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me. Even the petals of a flower know and agree he loves me, and  I love him too. So why can not the universes conspire and let us to be together?

A challenge to LOVE

I mentioned in my previous post that I am not fond of love and relationship as topics for writing. I have a list as to why and on top is — I do not know how to write about them. Yes, you read it right — I do not know how to write about love and relationship.  Webster and Wikipedia gave me a list of definitions so definitely I have, at least, an idea about the subjects in question.  My problem is I do not know how to organize my thoughts and put it into writing in such a way that my point will come across.  Write in such a way that when someone reads my work, he/she will feel the same emotion I was feeling when I was writing it. I want my work to be somehow worth reading because I do not want to waste my reader’s time. I believe writers should always consider the readers when writing.

Anyhow, I think I got a little derailed there. Going back to the topics in question — love and relationship, I have decided to challenge myself to write about both.  The challenge: write at least one blog about each topic per week. Fair enough for an amateur writer, I guess. The challenge will run for the entire month of August. I wish me luck.

To end this entry, here is something from The Beatles. Enjoy!